“Never attribute to malice what could adequately be explained by ignorance”
Over the years we spend with a person we come to believe certain things about them, not all of them good. For example, we may see our partners as “lazy”, “inconsiderate”, or “self-absorbed”. Although these unflattering beliefs can be problematic in themselves, there is a specific problem that comes out of these beliefs that can undermine a healthy relationship.
The relationship counselling word for this problem is: Fundamental Attribution Error. “Fundamental”, because we believe that this characteristic is fundamental to the person in question and is a driving force behind everything they do. “Attribution” because we attribute their actions to this fundamental characteristic. “Error” because this is often a mistake.
For example, let’s imagine that I believe my partner is selfish. When I arrive home I see my partner sitting on the couch on their phone, even though they agreed to start dinner. I’m immediately emotionally activated and attribute this behaviour to their lack of caring for me and being a fundamentally selfish person. I may even conjure up all the other times they have put themselves before me, only making me more angry.
The backstory here might be that they received a concerning text from a friend, or were late getting home and were just winding down for a few minutes before jumping right into dinner. Neither of these things mean they don’t care or that selfishness is at the root of this behaviour. I made that attribution. Even if my partner just forgot what they promised, it means they are forgetful, not selfish.
By making the “selfish” attribution, I’m increasing my emotional activation (increasing the likelihood of a fight), reinforcing a story that doesn’t help the relationship, and selling my partner short.
We do this for several reasons. One of the main reasons is our natural tendency to interpret information in ways that fit our beliefs and stories. We also tend to interpret situations through the lens of our current emotions. If I’m angry, I tend to look at things in a way that fits with that anger.
When we make these attributions about our partners, it often creates a story in which we are the “good guy” and they are the “bad guy”, or where we are the victim and they are the perpetrator. This story makes us feel great about ourselves, but at the cost of our partner, and eventually, the relationship.
So what can we do? The first step is mindfulness. In being mindful of our emotional state and the attributions we make about our partners, we can monitor when this is going on. Once I notice I am making a personality attribution about a situation, I can take a breath and try to evaluate that situation more objectively.
Also, when we understand what attributions we are making about our partners, we get information about deeper issues we may have with them. This can serve as a roadmap for discussions that address these issues at the root and bring longer term resolution. If I’m getting mad at my partner for being a “selfish person”, maybe we need to talk about ways for them to demonstrate their thought and consideration of me.
David
Simply Counselling Services