“The measure of a healthy relationship is not if we argue, but how we argue.”
Every deep relationship has conflict. It is a necessary outcome of connection. The important thing is how that conflict is managed when it happens, and how we repair after a conflict. Today’s post is more about managing conflict when it arises.
As usual, the first tip is around mindfulness. Notice when you are getting emotionally dysregulated. Don’t rely on monitoring your thoughts to assess this, thoughts are most often swept along in the flood of emotion. A much more reliable indicator is your body.
What are some physical reactions you have to strong emotions? Tightness in the chest, butterflies in the stomach, tension in your jaw, a headache? These signs of dysregulation vary from individual to individual, but learning what your signals are is an important step in greater emotional awareness.
Once you notice that you are dysregulated, it’s time to take a break from the conversation. This can be hard, especially when we are angry (anger is telling us we need to keep fighting). However, in the calmer state in which you are reading this post (hopefully), you may be able to recognize that when you are both angry, the only outcome of an angry argument is more damage.
Couples often find it helpful to choose a word to signal this break. When someone says the word “tomato”, for example, it signals the beginning of a 10-15 minute break (suggestion, longer may be necessary). It is important that this rule is respected, no matter how unfair we feel it is or how important our next point was going to be.
While we are taking a break it can be tempting to craft our next argument, or to ruminate on how unfair and cruel our partner is being. Not surprisingly, this runs counter to the purpose of this strategy. Instead, we should engage in emotional grounding techniques (e.g. box breathing, meditation) to actively regulate our emotions. Do this until those physical signs of dysregulation have gone away.
Then we plan. Not for victory, but for connection. Our first task once we are grounded is to think of one thing we can apologize for in the preceding argument. Maybe you said something hurtful or didn’t listen to what was said. If you can’t think of anything to apologize for, you may still be angry and need some additional grounding. This apology is the first thing we exchange when we come back together.
Next, as we move into what we want to be heard and understood, we lead with our feelings (statements that begin with “I feel…”). When we lead with accusation, we attack, and when we attack our partner has no choice but to defend. This defensiveness is the greatest barrier to being heard and validated. When we lead with our feelings, we give our partner our pain to hold, which has a better chance of bringing empathy and love into the equation.
Arguing skillfully is hard, and it takes a lot of practice to get good at. Thankfully, conflict is inevitable, so there are plenty of opportunities to practice. Using the above sequence of tools when things get heated can lower the temperature and increase the likelihood that resolution is found.
Remember:
- Notice dysregulation
- Take a break
- Regulate
- Think of something you can apologize for
- Lead with your feelings
David
Simply Counselling Services