“Being human is not about being any one particular way; it is about being as life creates you—with your own particular strengths and weaknesses, gifts and challenges, quirks and oddities.”
Kristin Neff
“Remember, you have been criticizing yourself for years and it hasn’t worked. Try approving of yourself and see what happens.”
Louise L. Hay
“There’s no amount of self-improvement that can make up for a lack of self-acceptance.”
Robert Holden
Paying attention to the way we talk to ourselves, or the messages that our feelings are sending us, can be startling. For many of us, a simple mistake can trigger negative self-talk like: “I’m so stupid” or “what an idiot”. Even more surprising are the messages our emotions (like shame) can send us, things like: “you’re useless” or “you’re worthless” or “you’ll never be successful”. Worse yet, when we are suffering, our inner voice can tell us things like: “you deserve this” or “you’re such a sad piece of trash”. These messages are not only unkind, they are working against us in our efforts for self-improvement and getting better. Can you imagine saying any of these things to a stranger, or even someone we didn’t like? So why are we treating ourselves like this?
The answer to this is complicated, one of biggest influences creating this pattern that researchers have identified are social norms. We are taught to recognize the suffering and vulnerability in others and respond with sensitivity and kindness. So when we see someone drop a stack of papers, we understand that they might be embarrassed, we empathize, and we respond with kindness. The social script around our own mistakes is quite different. Generally, we’re taught that we need to push ourselves with ruthless consistency to be successful. Adding to this is that we’re often taught that being kind and patient with ourselves is at best self-indulgent, and at worst, plain selfish. These social norms around who deserves compassion is one of the strongest barriers to self-compassion.
Another influence on this dynamic is shame. Shame is one of our strongest emotions, and it sends equally strong messages. To understand these messages it’s sometimes useful to distinguish between shame and guilt. Guilt tells us we have done something bad, whereas shame tells us we are bad. When we are feeling shame, we are receiving variations of the message that we are a bad person. So what can we do to be more compassionate toward ourselves?
Here are a few ideas for starting the journey toward self compassion:
- The foundation of this practice is mindfulness. Pay attention to your self-talk and become aware of when you are not treating yourself with compassion.
- Once you recognize you are engaging in negative self-talk, start changing the message and tone.
- What would a loved one do?
- Begin by imagining someone who loves you. It’s best to choose someone with whom you have a deep but less complicated relationship (but anyone who loves you will do).
- Next, imagine what they might say to you in your current situation. How they might seek to understand and console you. Imagine their tone of love and compassion. What would they say? How would they say it?
- Finally, try to embody that voice and tone as you speak to yourself. Use the messages you imagined your loved one using when you speak to yourself.
- What would you do?
- This exercise is similar. It involves you imagining that someone you love is going through the same thing that you are.
- Imagine what you might say to someone you love. What words of comfort and understanding would you offer?
Kristin Neff is a well respected expert in this field. She has many more exercises for practicing self compassion at: https://self-compassion.org/category/exercises/
It is important to remember that this is not something that will change overnight. There are big societal and emotional forces that work against us as we try to be compassionate with ourselves. But over time, as we recognize uncompassionate self-talk and choose to be more kind with ourselves, we can build self-compassion into our lives. After all, no one deserves your love, kindness, and acceptance more than you.
David
Simply Counselling Services