We have to prepare the child for the path, not the path for the child
Tim Elmore
Preparing vs protecting. This has been described as the greatest paradox of parenting. Not only are these the two essential tasks involved in parenting, but they have a strange relationship to each other. At times, protecting a child is an essential piece of preparation, while at others, protecting actually stands in the way of preparation. Preparation can be the best long term strategy for protection, but there is a fear that too much preparation will leave a child vulnerable.
Terms like “helicopter parent” and “bulldozer parent” have become mainstream over the past few years, hinting at a trend toward the protection side of things in parenting. Although these terms certainly come with negative connotations, it’s important to understand and empathize with why it’s happening.
The root of the over-protection is anxiety, and there is nothing more understandable than a parent’s anxiety over a child’s safety, happiness, and future. This anxiety is aggravated by the nature of our thinking as human beings. First, our brains are essentially prediction machines, imagining future possibilities based on present circumstances. This was a tremendous evolutionary advantage for our species, but it can work against us, especially in the modern world. Second, our natural negativity bias (explained in a past post), causes us to give more weight and attention to the negative predictions than the benign or positive ones, regardless of actual likelihood. This combination can cause us to become hyper-vigilant over time, trying to anticipate problems and nip them in the bud. Thoughts like: “is my kid too loud? Too aggressive? Too passive? Too short? Too much like my brother?” can all be spurred by a tiny, insignificant behaviour and activate a whole strategy to correct the imagined negative future. Another driver of these behaviours is the simple fact that seeing our kids sad or in distress is profoundly uncomfortable, and we want them to feel better. It is essential to recognize that this is, in part, to soothe our own discomfort along with theirs. All this to say that the strong protection instincts are natural and understandable.
However, this imbalance toward protection over preparation can have some long term consequences. By clearing obstacles for your child, you are denying them important opportunities to build skills, strength, resiliency, and confidence. Without that confidence, the anxiety a child feels when presented with new or difficult experiences is multiplied. In fact, studies have consistently found that overprotected children are more prone to worry and anxiety. That said, it’s important that parents are thoughtful about the balance they strike between preparation and protection. This begs the question: How will we know when the balance is appropriate?
The short answer is that you’ll never know for sure. Not only is every child different but the appropriate balance is a constantly shifting target as the child grows. Mistakes will be made, and that’s OK, as long as you are keeping the balance in mind, you’ll likely be doing fine. Some useful things to consider might be:
- Is your anxiety appropriate, or has your prediction machine and negativity bias taken over. Pay attention to signs of anxiety in your body and do your best to rationally evaluate the fears you’re having. You’ll find this type of evaluation is best done after grounding yourself.
- Avoid labeling your child. Applying a label, like “lazy” or “aggressive”, can jump-start the negative prediction process. Your kid will go through a great many things on their journey to adulthood, just as you did. Try to trust yourself, and your child, to naturally develop into the person they want to be.
- Expect distress. Watching those we love struggle and suffer is distressing. Anticipating that distress can help us prepare for and tolerate it as we watch our child struggle with anything from tying their shoes to their first heartbreak. Try rehearsing some comforting thoughts you can call on when you experience the distress of watching your child struggle.
- Ask yourself: are they capable of this? The abilities of our children change drastically as they develop. You may find yourself stuck with an outdated vision of your kid’s capabilities. Before you rush to help, ask yourself: Are they capable of doing this on their own? Is there some way to help without doing it for them?
David
Simply Counselling Services