Positivity is something that we are all seeking it seems, and with good reason. A more positive mindset has been associated with better resiliency, lower distress, healthier relationships, and generally better mental and physical health. In fact, creating a more positive mindset is often a goal of therapy.
However, like all things, we can go overboard with positivity. Unfortunately, whether it is with fitness, healthy eating, productivity, or any number of “good things”, modern Western culture is excellent at taking good things too far.
When it comes to a positive mindset, many have recognized that we might be overdoing it. This potentially harmful extreme has been dubbed “Toxic Positivity”.
Briefly, toxic positivity is the idea that a person should maintain a positive attitude no matter what happens to them. This mindset rejects all difficult emotions and demands a smiling and cheerful facade in the face of adversity. As a bumper sticker I recently saw suggests: “no bad days”.
If we could authentically transform every experience into a positive one, this mindset would make a lot of sense. Unfortunately, it is the mismatch between toxic positivity and our lived experience that causes problems.
The reality is that life is a mix of good and bad experiences. In Buddhism, the First Noble Truth acknowledges that suffering is a fundamental part of life. To gloss over the suffering in life is to deny reality.
Happiness that requires a twisting of reality is not authentic, and therefore, is fragile, shallow, and unsatisfying. It falls apart as soon as reality inevitably makes itself known. Lasting happiness is grounded in an acknowledgment and acceptance of the bad as well as the good.
Further, toxic positivity requires the denial of our natural emotional reactions. Evolutionary psychologists see emotions as useful evolved responses to survival problems, much like our hands or eyes. Trying to reject the existence of an emotion just because it is unpleasant is like trying to deny the existence of your eyes because they see something you don’t like. On top of that, we are losing the benefit these emotions evolved to give us.
All emotions, including unpleasant ones, are meant to be felt. When we resist these emotions and what they are trying to tell us, we actually maintain them. It’s like a child screaming to be heard. As we ignore them, they just get louder in a plea to be heard. However, once we give them the space that they need, they often say what they need to and are then free to dissipate.
Stay tuned for Part 2 where I’ll address some other risks around toxic positivity and outline a better, more authentic relationship with positivity.
David
Simply Counselling Services