This seems like the most commonly misused psychological term these days. You may have even heard it in the last few weeks while someone was describing a conflict at work or in their romantic relationship. But what does “narcissist” really mean?
First, it’s important to say that narcissism is a collection of traits that exist in almost everyone. What might distinguish someone as more or less narcissistic is the strength of these traits. Given this nuance, the idea of someone as “a narcissist” is more a matter of degree than a type of person.
Some of the traits associated with narcissism include: a grandiose sense of self-importance, a lack of empathy for others, a need for excessive admiration, and the belief that one is unique and deserving of special treatment. These traits are rather more intense than some of the behaviours that are popularly defined as “narcissistic”. Also, notice that things often labeled as narcissistic like “selfishness” or “thinking you are right all the time” are not on this list of traits.
Further, the popular conception of a narcissist is missing one key piece that is important: the root of this presentation is not a massive ego, in fact, it’s the exact opposite. People who are high on the narcissism spectrum often have a dysfunctionally negative view of themselves. It is this extreme lack of confidence that motivates the extreme bravado as a mask.
Often, if we are dealing with someone who is high on the narcissism spectrum, the best response is not aggression or anger, but empathy and compassion. The grandiosity is driven by a fear that no one would accept the real them.
Another important distinction here is between narcissistic traits and the DSM-5 diagnosis of Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Without detailing the diagnostic criteria, a useful distinction to keep in mind is that this disorder affects daily/basic functioning. This is a deliberately high bar for diagnosis and one that an extremely low proportion of the population actually meets.
Given the nuance in the source and strength of these traits, and how rare extremes are, why has “narcissist” become such a common term in describing people?
The answer is actually quite simple. It gives the accuser the moral high ground, immediately defining the “narcissist” as bad. Whether it’s an ex, a difficult coworker, or a family member, defining them as a narcissist gives us the security of being in the right.
Unfortunately, this has some negative outcomes. At best, it limits the amount of responsibility we are taking for our own contributions to conflicts. This is a habit that can undermine the health of our relationships and sabotage any effort at reconciliation or repair. At worst, it runs the risk of dehumanizing others and justifying a lack of empathy for certain people.
In the end, we can see someone’s behaviour as selfish, inconsiderate, or arrogant without labeling them as a “narcissist”. This leaves both sides in the relationship with room to grow and be understanding of each other.
David
Simply Counselling Services