One psychological term that has entered the popular vocabulary is “codependent”. On social media, this term often describes someone who is overly invested in their relationship, having gotten to the point where they “need” their partner.
Often, the popular use of this term implies that any reliance on your partner for emotional support and stability is somehow dysfunctional, or that tolerating and working through someone’s hurtful behaviour because you love them is problematic. Indeed, many people come to therapy concerned that their attachment and reliance on their partner is a problem that needs to be solved.
This conception can pathologize and stigmatize healthy human behavior, particularly behavior that is loving and caring. Human beings are wired to form robust emotional bonds, and those bonds can’t be automatically abandoned when someone displays difficult behavior or strong attachment.
A degree of dependency on your partner is actually healthy and desirable. In an intimate relationship, we should care about what our partner thinks, we should be affected by their emotional states, and we should support them through hard times.
That said, there is some truth to this perspective. It is important to strive to maintain an identity that is separate within our relationships and we need to protect ourselves when unhealthy patterns in our relationships are causing significant harm.
The intended meaning of this psychological term gives us important context on where the line between healthy and unhealthy dependency might be.
Codependency is not a clinical diagnosis or a personality disorder. There are two main concepts that inform the idea of codependency in psychology. The first is asymmetry. The support in the relationship only flows one way, creating a giver/taker dynamic. The second is the absence of boundaries and authenticity due to a lack of emotional safety in the relationship. Basically, when someone doesn’t feel secure enough in the relationship to set healthy boundaries or express their authentic feelings.
Some degree of the above criteria can be very common in relationships, especially in the beginning when emotional safety has not been established. It can also arise when one person is struggling and requires support and patience. If you find yourself giving a little too much, or losing yourself in a relationship, it may be an opportunity to work on the ways you and your partner interact.
However, if these patterns are too persistent, they are causing too much harm, or your partner is not willing to acknowledge or work on these concerns, it might be indicative of something more problematic that should be addressed.
David
Simply Counselling Services