Talking to children about death can feel overwhelming and intimidating. Many parents, relatives, and caregivers have the desire to protect their children from the heavy feelings associated with death. However, children should be given the opportunity to grieve just as we do when faced with the death of someone close to them. Choosing not to involve them or talk to them about death can be more harmful than helpful. There are ways to talk about death and loss to children in a developmentally appropriate way.
Use simple language, avoid euphemisms
When explaining that someone has died, avoid using euphemisms like “passed away” or “gone to sleep” or “is in a better place.” Be gentle and direct and use words like dead and died. We often avoid these words in attempt to be softer, but it often just ends up confusing children.
They will ask questions, it’s okay to not have all the answers
You can explain to your child what happened without giving too many medical details. You may take an opportunity to share your spiritual or religious beliefs if shared by the child. It’s also okay to tell the child that you don’t have the answers to some of their questions, and the uncertainty is an aspect of being human. The child might ask if you, another loved one, or if they themselves will die soon. You can respond by discussing the ways that people generally die, “When they’re very old, very sick, or they have a bad accident.” To avoid instilling fear, emphasize the actions you take to avoid these problems, like visiting the doctor regularly and driving safely. You should not make any promises that certain people will not die, but it’s okay to be relatively optimistic that those around you will live long lives.
Tell them what to expect, explain events that will happen
Allow children to be a part of funerals and memorial services while ensuring they have an idea of what to expect. Explain what will happen at the funeral, the burial or cremation, and after the service. Try to give them an idea of what behaviours they might see, what people might say, and what the child can do to be involved. For example, “Lots of people who loved your dad will be there. People might cry, hug, share memories, or talk about your dad’s life. They might say to us, ‘I’m sorry for your loss.’ We can say, ‘Thank you.’ You can stay near me and hold my hand if you want.” You may even ask your child if they want to be involved, whether it be reading a poem, choosing a song to play, or displaying some art. Presenting them with the opportunity to have a role without any pressure can help them feel more a part of things and allow them to cope and grieve.
Don’t feel pressure to hide your feelings, modelling can be helpful
If you are also in grieving, it’s okay if your child sees that you are sad or sees you cry. It can be helpful to explain your experience. For example, “I’m feeling sad because I am missing your grandma.” This can help children label their own feelings as well. You can involve children in the mourning process. You can incorporate activities where you and your child draw pictures or tell stories about your loved one as a way to remember them. Their experience and feelings may change as the weeks go by. Try to check in when needed, listen and validate, and offer comfort and reassurance.
Get additional help if needed
Pay attention to any atypical mood and behavioural changes in your child following the death of a loved one. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. You may seek additional support if you are feeling that your child would benefit from talking to a professional about their grief. Below is a document provided by the Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia that outlines how grief and death are processed in different developmental stages you may wish to reference.
Helpful tool: A child’s developmental understanding of death
Maggie
Simply Counselling Services