“Sometimes all you need is a hug from the right person and your stress will melt away”
Valentine’s Day can go either way. At its best, it can create deep feelings of gratitude for your partner and your relationship. At its worst, it can highlight everything you feel is wrong or missing in your love life.
Though we might see this difference as an objective observation of our relationship, the truth is that our emotions, and even recent events, have a huge influence on how we see the present and future of our relationship.
Today’s post is about ways we can adapt these emotions and recent events in the service of love and gratitude in our imperfect relationships, and take it from me, no relationship is perfect.
In my work with couples, I often make reference to something I call the “love tank”. This is the expression I use to describe the way positive relationship experiences build up over time. Every time we feel loved, or heard, or wanted, or cared for, we add to this love tank. Conversely, every time we feel ignored, or hurt, or dismissed, or disconnected, we withdraw from it.
It is important to note that the love tank does not necessarily affect some of the deeper issues we may be dealing with in our relationship. However, it can greatly affect our overall view of our relationship, and importantly, the way we engage with each other over those deeper issues.
Both partners have their own love tank, and how full it is can determine how we see our partner or our relationship. When it has been filled and maintained, not only do we generally feel good about our relationship, but we are able to withstand the inevitable hurtful act from our partner while maintaining love and connection. When the tank has been neglected or overdrawn, every selfish act or hurt feeling becomes more emotionally charged, and at worst, part of a growing case you are making against your partner.
Filling the love tank is rarely about grand gestures. In fact, your effort is much better spent on little acts of love on a near daily basis. Some people may already have a sense of the type of thing they can do regularly to demonstrate their love and care to their partner, but for most of us, we have to ask. If we don’t, we risk putting in a lot of effort only to have that effort not recognized or appreciated (which depletes our own love tank).
So, step one is to have a conversation with your partner about little things (keep them small and easy) that you can do to fill each other’s’ love tank. This might be an ongoing conversation, as we may not know exactly what is meaningful to us before we try a few things out. Try to stay flexible and patient as you figure this out.
Once you have established your tank filling activities, do your best to be diligent about engaging in them. Try to make them into a habit. For example, if your partner wants a check in about their day, make it a part of your routine when you get home.
If you put in regular effort to keep the tank full, you’ll find that your general feelings about your partner and your relationship are more positive. Also, when it’s time to have a tough conversation, or your relationship is going through a time of stress, the hope is that you will have plenty of love to draw on to sustain you through it.
David
Simply Counselling Services