While talking gets a lot of attention in relationships, listening is just as important (if not more so). Experts in relationships at The Gottman Institute highlight that listening isn’t just about hearing words — it’s about truly understanding where your partner is coming from. So, let’s break down the art of listening, Gottman style, to help you level up your relationship.
1. Be Attentive: Put Down Your Phones & Focus
In today’s world, distractions are everywhere—our phones, tablets, TV shows, notifications popping up every few minutes. But when your partner is talking, the best thing you can do is give them your full attention. That means putting your phone down, silencing the TV, and really focusing on them. Make eye contact, lean in a bit, and try to stay present. This isn’t the time to check your social media or think about your to-do list. Just listen. Let your partner know you care enough to be fully present in that moment.
2. Be Present: It’s Not Just About Being Quiet
Listening isn’t about zoning out while your partner talks. It’s about being there, in the conversation. We’ve all been guilty of assuming we know what the other person is going to say next, or planning our response while they’re talking. But truly being present means letting go of those mental distractions. Don’t think about what you’re going to say next. Don’t anticipate the ending of their sentence. Just let the conversation unfold, and listen to it as if it’s the first time you’re hearing it. This active listening creates a deeper connection and makes your partner feel truly heard.
3. Ask Questions: Get Curious, Not Interrogative
If you don’t fully understand something your partner is saying, ask questions—but do it in a way that invites them to share more, not less. Instead of just asking, “What happened?” try something like, “What was going through your mind when that happened?” Open-ended questions like these show you’re curious about your partner’s feelings and experiences. The goal isn’t to interrogate your partner, though. It’s about fostering a conversation where both of you feel safe and understood. Let the dialogue flow, and encourage your partner to share more by asking questions that invite them to dive deeper.
4. Tune In: Pay Attention to Feelings, Not Just Words
Listening isn’t just about understanding what’s being said—it’s also about picking up on emotions. Your partner might not always say outright how they’re feeling, but you can often tell by the tone of their voice or their body language. Are they frustrated, excited, sad, or anxious? Picking up on these emotions is key. It’s easy to want to fix things, but sometimes the best way to show up for your partner is just to listen—without trying to make things better. Resist the urge to offer advice unless they ask for it. Instead, focus on understanding their feelings and reflecting them back to them. You might say something like, “It sounds like that really upset you,” just to let them know you get it.
5. Witness: Be There for Your Partner
Listening isn’t just about hearing words—it’s about witnessing your partner’s experience. When you listen in a way that lets your partner feel truly understood, you help them feel less alone in their thoughts and emotions. A simple way to do this is by reflecting back what they’ve shared, in your own words. You could say something like, “I hear you. You’re feeling really overwhelmed with everything going on right now.” This helps your partner feel seen and heard, and it shows that you’re paying attention to not just their words, but also their feelings.
6. Avoid Judgment: Keep it Respectful and Non-Critical
One of the biggest mistakes we can make in a conversation is jumping to judgment or criticism. Remember, listening is about understanding, not about pointing out where your partner is wrong. So, as hard as it might be at times, try not to jump in with advice, corrections, or rebuttals unless they specifically ask for it. Every conversation with your partner should feel like a safe space to share openly. Your goal isn’t to “win” an argument or prove a point; it’s to understand where your partner is coming from and to communicate respect and empathy. The more you can let go of judgment, the more your partner will feel comfortable sharing with you.
7. Magnify Acceptance: Appreciate Who They Are
Listening well isn’t just about hearing your partner—it’s about accepting them for who they are. In deep conversations, you might learn things that challenge your beliefs or make you feel uncomfortable. Instead of pushing back or trying to change them, use these moments as opportunities to accept and embrace their perspective. Ask yourself: What makes your partner tick? What do they need and want? The more you listen with an open heart and mind, the more you’ll appreciate their unique qualities and foster gratitude for the relationship you’re building together.
8. When You Get Stuck: Ask the Right Questions
Sometimes, even with the best intentions, communication can get a little rocky. If you’re feeling like you’re just not understanding each other, or you’re heading toward an argument, take a step back. There are some key questions that can help redirect the conversation toward understanding:
- “What are you feeling right now?”
- “What do you need from me?”
- “What’s your worst-case scenario here?”
- “What’s your ideal outcome?”
These questions help both of you clarify feelings and needs, so you can avoid misunderstandings and move toward a solution (or at least a deeper connection). Remember, the goal isn’t to resolve everything right away, but to keep the conversation open and supportive.
9. Take a Break if You Need It
If things start getting heated, don’t be afraid to take a breather. It’s easy to get caught up in the moment and say things you don’t mean, so taking a step back (even if it’s just for a few minutes) can help you both calm down and reset. This isn’t about avoiding conflict—it’s about handling it in a healthy way. When emotions are running high, a short break can be the difference between a productive conversation and an argument that gets out of hand. Just make sure to come back to the conversation when you’re both ready to listen again.
Listening is a Skill Worth Practicing Mastering the art of listening takes time, but it’s one of the best things you can do for your relationship. By being attentive, present, and emotionally tuned in, you can create a deeper, more meaningful connection with your partner. And when you listen with empathy, curiosity, and understanding, you’ll not only hear what your partner is saying—you’ll truly get them. So, next time you’re having a conversation with your partner, remember to put away the distractions, ask the right questions, and most importantly, be there with an open heart. The more you practice, the stronger your relationship will become.
*These tips were sourced from the book “Eight Dates” by John M. Gottman, Doug Abrams, Julie Gottman, Rachel Carlton Abrams.