Therapy Speak – What “Gaslighting” and Triggered” really mean

Therapy Speak – What “Gaslighting” and Triggered” really mean

“Gaslighting” is showing up all over these days. However, the definition of this term often does not match the ways in which it’s used.

The definition of “gaslighting” has a few key features that should be highlighted to illustrate the ways it is misused. First, it involves an intentional, systematic manipulation over an extended period of time. Second, it causes the victim to question their own reality and leads to a loss of confidence and dependency on the perpetrator.

This is serious abusive behaviour and should be taken very seriously. However, “gaslighting” is often used to describe less problematic things. For example, when someone lies to save face or get something they want, though it isn’t good, it isn’t gaslighting either. They’re just not telling the truth.. 

Another common use comes up when two people’s opinion on, or version of, a situation differs. If your partner feels like something that upset you isn’t very serious, it may not be very considerate but it does not meet the definition of systematic manipulation.

People lie, disagree, and even manipulate for all kinds of reasons. However, very few of those reasons include systematically putting someone into a state of confusion and subservience. Though using this word might accomplish the goal of condemning the behaviour, it undermines the nuance and humanity of most relationship conflicts

“Triggered” is another word that is being used in ways that don’t match its definition. Triggered was originally used to refer to external events that brought on the physiological and psychological trauma response in those who suffered from trauma related disorders. By definition, the meaning of this word is limited to people diagnosed with one of these disorders.

However, it is often being used by people to signal that an experience has hurt or angered them in some way that is related to a past experience. While we should be empathetic to these emotional reactions, they do not meet the psychological definition of “triggered”.

As I have outlined in previous posts, these words are often being used to give someone moral authority over a situation. It’s an easy way to put someone in the right, and to dehumanize and vilify their opponent.

Another problematic outcome of labeling behaviour in these extreme ways so often is that it waters down their use for situations in which they are warranted. We can say someone has been selfish, dishonest, or has hurt our feelings without resorting to pathologizing/demonizing them. If we use words like “gaslighting” and “triggered” when they are not justified, we’ve taken power away from the word, and from the true victims of these behaviours. 

David
Simply Counselling Services