After reading Dr. Becky’s Good Inside, I reflected on the feeling of shame in children, and how this feeling comes up often in parenting sessions. For many children, shame is a feeling that communicates, “I can’t be feeling this way”, and “I’m bad”. Shame freezes children, which might look like your child refusing to apologize, being unempathetic, or ignoring you. The function of shame is to move us away from others, rather than towards others. So, it makes sense that when your child feels shameful, they push themselves away. What is your role as a parent in all of this, and how can you help your child? Dr. Becky suggest two steps when supporting your child through shame:
- Detect the shame
- Reduce the shame
What does detecting shame look like? As a parent, your goal is to notice shame arising in your child. Ask yourself: what situations bring up shame for my child? How does shame present behaviourally for my child? For many children, shame presents itself as a shut-down response, refusing to apologize or share, and seeming cold to others. The second step is to reduce shame. What does this mean practically? This means shifting your goal from correcting your child’s behaviour, to helping your child feel that they’re good on the inside again. Dr. Becky encourages parents to avoid statements like “you have to apologize now”, and she encourages connection and modelling with your child (e.g., “I know it’s hard to find your ‘I’m sorry’ voice right now. I’ll use it for you until you find it again”). At this point, it would be helpful for you as a parent to model an apology for your child.
Modelling encourages the child to observe appropriate behaviour and to reflect on why their behaviour might have been unhelpful. It is the one intervention that is most likely to get your child to reflect on their behaviour. When your child is back to their cheerful self, consider having a conversation about why it is difficult to apologize in those moments, and what can make it easier for them next time.
Dr. Becky’s mantra for this process is “connection first” because connection is the opposite of shame. Shame impacts relationships and is not a motivator for positive behaviour change in the future. On the flip side, connection allows for change and growth, and communicates to your child that it’s ok to be themselves.
Overall, connecting with your child during moments of shame can be a powerful tool for your relationship. Pausing before we react can help us reflect on this tool to foster connection & fulfilling relationships.