Improving ourselves is a great goal. In fact, my belief is that the purpose of therapy is positive change. Self-help can be an important avenue to engage in to make meaningful changes in our lives. In fact, I encourage everyone to take an active role in their improvement and self-help can be a great tool in understanding where to make efforts.
However, as therapists, we notice a number of pitfalls in certain self-help models that one should watch out for. In a 3 part series, we will outline some of the major problems with much of the self-help literature and offer suggestions on how to best engage with self-help to avoid some of the pitfalls.
Potential problems:
- Self-help starts from the assumption that you are not good enough as you are:
- In general, self-help is predicated on the idea that something is “wrong” with you. Although we all have things to improve on, one of the main goals of many therapists is to develop the belief that we are good enough just as we are. It is important to come to terms with and accept our imperfections and flaws. Self-help can sometimes reinforce a set of criteria for our worthiness, a set of criteria that we do not yet meet. In fact, you might say that it is in the interest of self-help writers for people to feel they are broken before offering them the solution.
- It can aggravate our comparison fueled distress
- Comparing ourselves to others is one of the greatest contributors to life dissatisfaction. Self-help often creates an ideal of being for people to aspire to. When we begin to compare ourselves to this imaginary enlightened person, we rarely measure up. In this way, our capacity to pursue a life we want can end up just making us feel that the life we have isn’t good enough.
- The goal is often unrealistic
- Self-help often latches on to the goal of “happiness” or an end to our suffering. Although this sounds amazing, it ignores some basic truths about life. First, Happiness is an emotion, and by definition, it is temporary. Any attempt at sustained happiness will be undermined by the reality that emotions, good or bad, don’t last. Second, suffering is a part of life. Though it is unpleasant and we try to avoid it, there is always some form of suffering waiting in our future. If we expect a state of “happiness” or “zero suffering” to be our end point, then the absence of happiness or the presence of suffering may seem dysfunctional. Worse, we might consider suffering in our lives to be an indication that we are doing something wrong, or that there is something wrong with us.
In part 2 I’ll continue looking at some of the potential problems with self help. My goal here is not to imply that self-help is useless or altogether bad. Rather, it is to equip the reader with awareness and strategies to get the most out of self-help without falling into some of the pitfalls these books and programs bring with them.
David
Simply Counselling Services