What is an expectation? What is a need?
In this episode, we discuss how to establish and navigate needs and expectations in a relationship. We also chat about how change can impact and influence these factors.
Transcript
SPEAKERS
Nicki Kirlin, Jenna Fortinski
Jenna Fortinski 00:01
Welcome to Episode Three expectations in a relationship.
Nicki Kirlin 00:07
Oh, now that’s a way to start an episode.
Jenna Fortinski 00:09
Yes, it is. I’m excited for this one.
Nicki Kirlin
Me too. I think it’s gonna be a really good conversation.
Jenna Fortinski
Yes. So Nicki, how are you doing?
Nicki Kirlin 01:35
I’m doing good. I was actually thinking to myself today that I was reflecting on the fact that one of our first episodes, we talked about happiness, and then the link between happiness and gratitude, right. And so I was thinking to myself today about how just in this space of being COVID, how grateful it’s made me for the things that we’ve been missing out on this whole time that we’ve been under these restrictions and this crazy world that we’ve been living in. Yeah, as I was thinking to myself today about like, I’m actually excited about when these restrictions lift and how different our lives are going to look. And it really made me grateful for Yeah, everything that we’ve been kind of missing out on in this past, you know, however many months it’s been now almost a year actually, we’re coming up. Yeah, a year. Yeah. So it’s interesting how that has been sort of floating around in my mind about how things are going to look and how grateful I am for everything that we got to do pre COVID. And now we’re just going to look like sort of post COVID. Right. Yeah. It goes back to that saying of you never appreciate something until maybe it’s gone. Totally. Right. Yes. Yeah, that’s exactly what it feels like. Yeah. And yeah, so I think it’s just makes for makes for totally different outlook, you know, over the next few months. I hope anyway, it’s gonna be a few months.
Jenna Fortinski 01:37
Yeah, I like that it kind of forces everybody to be more in the moment. And to really, truly appreciate those small moments that we have with family or with with loved ones, or being able to do the outdoor activities, or even indoor activities, and just, you know, really enjoying those moments and to use that, like we talked about in the happiness episode.To fuel, you know, some of the darker moments in our life.
Nicki Kirlin
Exactly.
Jenna Fortinski
And to give you that light of like, yes. What this is what I have to look forward to.
Nicki Kirlin
Yeah, I can go get my hair done.
Jenna Fortinski
Yes.
Nicki Kirlin
Get my eyebrows done.
Jenna Fortinski
Yes.
Nicki Kirlin
I can go have a bottle of wine.
Jenna Fortinski
Yes.
Nicki Kirlin
My girls on wine Wednesday.
Jenna Fortinski
Yeah. Yeah.
Nicki Kirlin
Yeah, those are the things that definitely are, you know, that I took for granted. And now I’m thinking, Okay, like, I’m really grateful that I had those opportunities. And now I’m going to look forward to them again. Yeah. So, no, I like that. So today, you know, like you said, at the beginning of the episode, we’re going to be focusing on relationships, yes. needs and expectations and relationships. Yep. So, to kick us off, we’ve sort of set a trend with our first two episodes, I think we’re gonna do the same here with this one. By talking about defining what are we talking about when we talk about needs? And when we talk about expectations? So should we maybe start with what’s the difference between the two? What’s difference between having a need and a relationship and, and having an expectation in a relationship?
Jenna Fortinski
I think that’s a really good place to start. So needs I think this, the simplest way to put it, which is what I want to continue to focus on is a need is something that is internal to us, and an expectation is maybe something that we placed on other people. So I think that’s the easiest way to explain it. And I want to keep it in that very simple definition for purposes that we’re talking about today.
Nicki Kirlin
And is it normal? And I use air quotes, air quotes around normal? Is it normal to have both in a relationship? Is that okay? to have both in a relationship?
Jenna Fortinski
It’s normal to have both. Okay. The okayness is to be discussed.
Nicki Kirlin
Okay. Perfect. That gets us going, then. Yeah. Okay, so then why don’t we start with So what are some examples? Can you give me some examples of what is a need? And what is an expectation?
Jenna Fortinski
Yeah. So I think needs and expectations are, can be used interchangeably, interchangeably. However, I think that there’s we can have needs and expectations for the same categories or the same. Same labels. So for me, like some of the things that I’ve highlighted are like we can have physical needs and expectations. We can have social needs and expectations, financial, emotional, practical roles, things that look at growth and change, parenting faith. So there’s lots of different categories that we can look at. And we can have needs and expectations within all of those.
Nicki Kirlin
So get me down to the nitty gritty, what is the physical need or physical expectation?
Jenna Fortinski
okay, so a physical need, can look can look like you know, I really want my partner to, or appreciate it, it helps me when my partner holds my hand. Okay, right. And expectation would be I expect my partner to hold my hand at all times. Okay? Okay, that’s fair. Let’s take social, for example, right? So social need would be, it’s important to me that I am able to get out and, you know, be around my friends, you know, once or twice a week. And that’s something that’s very important to me. And expectation be, I expect that my partner comes along with me, okay, to my social engagement engagements, and I expect that that partner is engaged in the social activity as well.
Nicki Kirlin 05:42
Okay.
Jenna Fortinski 05:44
If we look at, for example, financial, so financial need would be, it’s really important to me that we always maintain a balance of $1,000 in our account. And that’s something that’s always kept me safe. And I feel like it’s something that’s very important to me. And maybe an financial expectation would be, I expect my partner partner to make X amount of dollars per year.. So I think like, if we look at each one of those categories, it’s easy to identify what is the actual need, which would pertain to yourself, and an expectation would typically look at what you expect of your partner, so somebody outside of yourself, okay.
Nicki Kirlin
Okay. I think that that makes sense, for sure. And so why, why do we have needs? And why do we have expectations? Why do they exist?
Jenna Fortinski
Well, I think it’s important to have needs, and I think expectations are part of a relationship, because we want the relationship to grow and change. And we want to set a goals for what we want in a relationship. So part of that is identifying our own needs, and also identifying maybe some expectations that we have of a partner or hopes that we have in a partner when we start a relationship.
Nicki Kirlin
Okay. Yeah, I think that makes sense. And it’s so it’s an I think, in a way it’s human nature, to have, you know, to have the needs, obviously, but also have those expectations a little bit too, So it’s, again, quote, air quotes. Sort of normal. To have those needs and those expectations. And so how do we go about setting our expectations? What influences that? Like, how does that get determined, what needs and what expectations we’re going to have in a relationship?
Jenna Fortinski
So I think, on a very basic level, when we enter a relationship, we bring a lot of stuff to the relationship. So that would be you know, what our experience has been in terms of seeing other relationships or experience in other relationships. So if we go even more basic, that starts with the relationship of your primary caregivers, okay. So being a part of that relationship, seeing how that relationship is formed, how they interact with each other, we start to form our own ideas of whether what they’re doing is right or wrong, whether it feels good or feels bad. And we take that information, and then we apply it to the relationships that we enter into in our life, right? So, more specifically, we’re talking about romantic relationships. So when we talk about our primary caregivers, and the romantic relationships that they were in, we look at what worked, what didn’t work, or what we saw as working and not working. And we take that information, and we start to formulate our own ideas, and bring that into our first romantic relationships. Okay, and we see how it goes, it’s a little bit of a test, okay, and then the next relationship, so we learn a little bit in that relationship, and we see, okay, well, I know, you know, my primary caregivers did this. And I’m going to give it a go and see if it works, or if it doesn’t work, or this is what I want to change to break the cycle. And then every relationship we enter, we learn more either about ourselves or what we want in a partner. And so it’s just a natural progression of hopefully learning and wanting to do better or wanting to learn more about ourselves and learn more about the partners or with and carrying that through to each relationship until we find the relationship that we think we can maybe stay in for a longer period of time
Nicki Kirlin 09:57
So what happens if you’re a person who maybe doesn’t have that insight though, what if you are going through your relationships and you don’t know that you’ve had certain things? You know, we you weren’t aware of the relationship that happened with your primary caregiver? And so you don’t really know what impact that is having on your relationships? What does that look like? Then what happens for that person?
Jenna Fortinski 09:58
I think what usually happens is that and I think it’s very normal to not have, you know, specific insight when you’re in a relationship to say, like, Oh, this is what mom and dad did, or this is what mom and stepdad did, or whatever the situation is, right? I think it’s all happening on maybe a subconscious level. And so what I’ve seen with clients that I’ve worked with in private practice is that once we’re able to maybe explore what’s happening for them a little bit deeper then they realize that there is a connection to what’s happening with their primary caregivers. So I do think it’s normal for us to maybe not identify on a very conscious level, that it’s something that’s happened with our primary caregivers. However, I think it’s normal for us to maybe identify patterns that are happening in relationships that we’re having, over a period of time. And for us to say, Oh, well, you know, like, in this relationship, this happened, and then in the next relationship, this happened, right? And you start to see that maybe there’s a little bit of a pattern that’s forming, good or bad. that patterns can be good or bad. Right? And for us to focus in on Okay, so what role am I playing in that?
Nicki Kirlin 11:16
And so what other things sort of influence how we’re, we’re establishing those needs and those expectations that you’ve talked about the the relationship, the early relationships that we have in life? What else kind of comes into play? Like I’m thinking in terms of, and I think you touched on this maybe last week, in our episode last week, about comparisons, starting to make comparisons, maybe what we see in the media, when we see movies, especially fairy tale movies, yeah. Yeah. So how do those things sort of influence? Do they influence how we form our expectations and our needs?
Jenna Fortinski
Absolutely. And I think that goes back to the generational component that we talked about in the last episode, is what our generation is experiencing. And I think the generations behind us is that we are very much influenced and fueled by what we see, you know, in the palm of our hands on the TV screen. And, you know, conversations that we have with our peers, right. And it’s easy to evaluate, and compare our relationship based on what we see around us. And I think that’s the knee jerk reaction. And I think that that’s the easy evaluation, rather than looking internally and saying, am I happy with what’s happening in my relationship?
Nicki Kirlin 12:40
And so how do you do that, though? How it like how if you don’t, if you don’t have anything to compare it to, if you’re a person that thinks that you don’t have anything to compare it to? What does that look like? to force yourself to look inward? What are you comparing it to that?
Jenna Fortinski
So I think what you’re what you’re wanting to look at, and how do we compare, is by looking at our values. And looking at what’s important to me. So, although you may may see your best friends, you know, partner does all the things and you know, cooks your dinner and does the laundry and you know, just does everything that maybe your partner doesn’t, right, and you’re focused on that that’s, maybe that would be fulfilling, or that’s something that you want. But if you really looked inside, and you said, You know what, actually my partner sits down and asks me every day, how do I feel and what’s happened for me, and what’s important to me and my partner tends to my physical needs, my social needs, my emotional needs, but maybe he doesn’t clean the whole house. So really looking at what’s important to me, what’s important to me. And that’s how we evaluate and guide our own relationships instead of what’s happening for my friends, what’s happening in the media, what’s happening on TV, what’s happening with my neighbors. So there’s so many things that we can easily compare to, but the harder work is definitely looking at what’s happening for you inside. And I think that’s such an important point to make about the values piece, because it’s very much in line with what we were talking about in our on our last episode as well. Right around balancing and, and creating our priorities. And it’s the same messaging around knowing your values sticking to them, and understanding what how much of a role they actually play in your life.
Nicki Kirlin 14:37
Yes.
Jenna Fortinski 14:37
And that key piece of really doing that self reflection.
Nicki Kirlin 14:50
Yeah, I think is really important too. Yeah, definitely. Okay, awesome. And so what about here’s a tricky one. We’re, as humans, we’re growing. We’re changing all the time. There’s things that are happening to us. There’s choices that we’re consciously making. That changed that forced us to change. Now, how does that play into my needs my expectations in a relationship? Because maybe as I’m growing and I’m changing my needs and expectations are changing, too, for sure. Is that okay?
Jenna Fortinski
Yes. Yes.
Nicki Kirlin
So what happens, then? What do I do then in a relationships setting?
Jenna Fortinski
So I want to be very clear that, you know, one of my things that I always say to my clients is that, you know, when you’re standing, you know, either at the altar or in front of the JP, or wherever your situation is, is that, you know, the caveat should be is that, you know, your love is supposed to change and grow. That’s supposed to happen. So I know, for myself, I am not the same person that stood at that altar. You know, five years ago, of course, I’ve grown I’ve changed, and, in some ways, good, maybe, in some ways, not so good in terms of my partner’s eyes, right. But for me, my needs have certainly changed and grown since then. Okay, so yes, totally normal. And I think that it should it be that your needs are changing and growing, as you continue in a relationship, whether you’re married or not, none of that matters. Instead, if you’re in a committed relationship, your needs should change and grow. And I think that’s part of keeping a relationship interesting. And also, you know, looking at how you contribute to the relationship and how you can do better and be better.
Nicki Kirlin
Okay. So what happens? How do you do that? How do you navigate that, if you are aware of something significant is changing. Now, what do I do?
Jenna Fortinski
So my famous last words will be communication,
Nicki Kirlin 16:51
Ah, okay. That is the ticket.
Jenna Fortinski 16:53
That is the Ticket to Ride through and through, okay. And I think it’s also the most difficult Ticket to Ride. It’s very costly, and it’s very draining. And it’s, also there’s an element of danger to communication, right. So there’s a lot of risk with being communicative about your expectations, your needs, whatever is changing and growing inside of you. So, but communication is the ticket ride, okay.
Nicki Kirlin
And I think we’ll likely get into this in our, we’re going to tease you a little bit here. But we’re going to end off this episode pretty quick. And we’re going to dive into another episode. But we’re gonna leave you in a bit of a cliffhanger. And one of and one of the things that we’re going to cover is this piece around communication. And because it is so important, and so key for relationships, and we will talk about that in the next episode. But before we do that, I just want to touch on I want to give you two scenarios, and I want you to tell me, give me the basics of what, what how we can help our listeners. So scenario one, let’s say you’re a person who’s entering into a new relationship with somebody. Mm hmm. What advice would you give that person when it comes to setting those expectations and those needs.
Jenna Fortinski
So I think when you’re starting a new relationship is to make communication a normal part of the relationship. Okay. So to set the relationship up in a way that talking about, you know, whether it be what your dreams are for the future, or you know, what you’ve experienced in your past, to make that part of the relationship so that the door for talking about the harder stuff is open, And the harder stuff is needs and expectations, advocating for yourself is difficult. But it doesn’t have to be. And so how we navigate that is by opening that door early. So talking about, you know, what we want for the future, what we’ve experienced in our past, what our hopes and dreams are, and just opening that door for communication as a basic part of the relationship.
Nicki Kirlin
So it’s almost like you’re setting up a need or an expectation that you’re going to be talking about your needs and expectations of their relationship. So now, what do you say to somebody who’s been in a long term relationship? And maybe they’ve never discussed needs and expectations before?
Jenna Fortinski 19:29
so that’s going to be harder, for sure. Because there’s obviously norms that have developed within that relationship that maybe communication isn’t something that happens very easily. So I would say start very small. Start small, start slow.
Nicki Kirlin
What does that mean?
Jenna Fortinski
So that means maybe you would say to your partner when they’re doing something that you like, you could say, Hey, I really appreciated that. Okay. I like that. I like it. When you Take the garbage out. I like it when you were able to fix our car, or I appreciate it when you hold my hand that feels good. Okay, start small. Okay, start small, give a little bit and just test the waters. Right. I think that’s the easiest way to ease into that conversation. More information will be given in the next episode about how you can navigate this. But I think that’s a good way to start. And that’s a good way to kind of get the ball rolling for people that are either starting new relationships or people that have been in relationship for a long time.
Nicki Kirlin
Okay, awesome. Okay, so let’s wrap it up here, then because we do, we did say that we wanted to keep our episodes sort of short. So we, in the spirit of sticking to that promise, we’re going to end here and just as we said before, give you a bit of a heads up that in our next episode, we will be talking more about the do’s and don’ts of you know, expectations and needs and relationships. So, hang on for just a few days, and then we’ll be airing that episode for you to listen to.
Jenna Fortinski
So to keep with our way of doing things, I want to close with a quote that we found and it’s from Brene Brown. Connection is the energy that is created between people when they feel seen, heard and valued when they can give and receive without judgment.