“I define a good person as somebody who is fully conscious of their own limitations.”
John Bradshaw
“All you can really do is try to be a good person and try to make good decisions and try to survive.”
Barrett Wilbert Weed
Feeling that you’re not a good person, or consistently doubting that you are, can be a major source of negative self-image, low self-esteem, and mental health problems in general. This feeling can come from a number of places, including:
- A general judgement (e.g. I’m just not a good person in general)
- Judgement of a specific area or combination of areas (e.g. I’m not nice enough, I’m not giving enough)
- Judgement related to a specific role (e.g. I’m not a good parent, I’m not a good employee)
- Judgement related to a specific act or habit (e.g. I yelled at my kids, I sometimes waste time at work)
- Judgement related to a thought or feeling (e.g. anger, resentment, disgust)
The bad news is that many of us are struggling to maintain a good image of ourselves, or doubting that we are good people at all. I was surprised to hear that even one of my favorite psychologists struggles with seeing himself as a good person. The good news is that cultivating a belief in oneself as a fundamentally good person can be helpful to our overall well-being.
Some useful things to think about:
- What fundamentals do you think make a good person? Often our standards for “goodness” are not clear. Try making a list of the basics of being a good person. We often find that we meet these standards, or are trying to meet them, despite what we tell ourselves.
- Remember you are only human and humans make mistakes. Try to see mistakes and missteps for what they are and accept that even good people make them.
- The role of Perfectionism. It is important to examine the standards to which we are holding ourselves. For example, does living up to our standards of a good parent involve never losing your temper? If so, maybe examining and modifying our standards for “good” could help.
- The role of Forgiveness. We are often our own worst critics. Do your best to forgive yourself for your mistakes. You wouldn’t judge your best friend to be a bad person because of one act of selfishness or a day of irritability would you?
- We all have flaws. Everyone sees things in themselves that they wish were different. The majority of us even see things we think are “bad”. Remember that even the people we consider to be saints struggle with the “bad” parts of themselves without compromising their fundamental “goodness” in our eyes. Trying to accept the whole person we are, good and bad, can help us to feel that we are fundamentally good people.
- Try to be less judgemental of others. The quicker we are to pass judgement on others as “bad”, the quicker we are to do it with ourselves. By the same token, when we practice empathy and understanding with others, it becomes easier to be compassionate toward ourselves.
The way we see ourselves is important. If we can take steps toward a consistently positive self-concept, a lot of the suffering associated with how we see ourselves can be alleviated.
David
Simply Counselling Services