Most of us can probably relate: you’re going through a horrible experience and talking to a friend. You’ve confided the details of the situation and expressed your hurt, anger, or pain. And they respond with this line:
“Just be glad it’s not worse!”
Looking for a silver lining in the face of a challenge is a completely natural response. This happened to me as a teenager when my brother passed away in an accident; a well-meaning neighbour said I should at least be grateful for the rest of my family, even though he was gone. Though I know she had the best intentions, the words hurt because they disregarded the grief I was feeling in that moment.
Gratitude and positivity can become toxic when forced at the wrong time. If we push less than genuine gratitude on ourselves or others during acute challenges, it can downplay and trivialize the situation. Instead of skirting over the negative aspects, an important first step is to recognize them. You must acknowledge and process negative emotions, or you will not be able to heal from them.
The best thing to do when supporting someone who is struggling is simple: listen. When you feel the natural urge to start a sentence, “well, at least…” take a pause. Allow that person to feel and express their feelings in a safe space. When you are struggling, find a friend, family member, or therapist who can sit back and hear about your struggles. Some of the most therapeutic conversations in my own life begin with the question, “can I just… talk at you?!”
Do not dismiss or cheapen your stress and hurt by thinking, “at least I could have it worse.” It’s okay to accept that, yes, you are in a rotten situation! Addressing these heavy feelings is important, but keep in mind it takes time to work through them. Healing is an emotionally exhausting process, and it is essential to take breaks from that hard work. If you find yourself dwelling on the problem too long, it’s easy to get trapped down by too much negative thinking. A healthy balance must be found in acknowledging both the negative and positive aspects of life.
This is where gratitude can be a powerful tool. When you feel ready to turn your focus back to the positive, get creative and ponder what you can be grateful for in other aspects of life. Perhaps your health is suffering, but you can be grateful for the beautiful weather. Maybe you had a financial challenge, but you can feel gratitude for your family and friends. This strategy can help introduce positive feelings, without undermining the difficult situation at hand. The key to experiencing those positive benefits is to find a place where you can practice gratitude in a genuine way. At this point, it is no longer forced toxic gratitude; rather, it is a simple and powerful exercise in healing.
As we go through Simply Gratitude Month, and as Thanksgiving approaches, keep nuance in mind and be mindful of the pitfall of toxic gratitude!