Can you think of a time when someone has caused you harm, and had to apologize to you in order to repair your relationship? It’s probably not difficult to immediately think of some examples, and probably pretty serious grievances, too. What about a time when you caused someone harm and had to apologize to them? Are these examples more difficult to brainstorm?
It is human nature to think we need to receive more apologies than we need to give. Most of us make choices that we think are the best for any given situation. We have the benefit of understanding our own motivations and reasoning behind any action or comment. For the actions and words of others, however, we do not have that luxury. Though we can – and do! – make assumptions about the intentions of others.
More often than not, these assumptions reflect how others make us feel. If we think a barista is attractive, we might assume their smile is flirtatious. If our partner says something hurtful, we might assume they made the jab intentionally. The reality can be quite different, as baristas often smile to be friendly and our partners typically don’t try to hurt our feelings. Psychology explains this phenomenon as the Fundamental Attribution Error: we like to think that our wins are because we’re amazing, and our failures are due to unfortunate circumstances. Conversely, we more often attribute other’s failures to character flaws and their successes to luck.
The psychological quirk of the Fundamental Attribution Error can affect our relationships, and how we think about apologies. Both people in a falling out understand why they think their point of view is the right one. They may both consider the other person totally in the wrong in an argument, and both feel deserving of an apology. More often than not, each person carries some level of responsibility and has something they could apologize for. It can take a lot of humility to recognize your own bias and overcome the Fundamental Attribution Error to take the benefit of the doubt away from yourself and give it to someone else. In fact, it goes against our automatic reaction that is dictated by our psychological human nature. Yet going through this process and apologizing to someone can be incredibly powerful.
When you sincerely apologize to someone, it shows them that you recognize the part you played in the hurt you caused them. It proves to them that you can overcome your nature to prioritize their feelings, even when you are sure your point of view is right. There are many resources on apologizing effectively, such as the following link from the Gottman Institute:
Having to apologize does not mean your relationship is in danger. We are human beings, and we make mistakes! Apologies mean you are repairing the cracks that will inevitably appear in your foundation over time. If left unchecked, they can lead to large rifts. If repaired, they will help create a relationship that is stronger than ever.
Apologies are important, but they are part of the two-way street of relationships. You may have relationships in your life where apologies are consistently one-sided; in these situations, resentment can build. If you feel like you are constantly apologizing to someone, and they never reciprocate, you may be looking at a big red flag! Relationships should feel balanced, if not totally equal. Having a friend, family member, or romantic partner that never apologizes can tip the balance out of the realm of comfort and fulfillment. While every situation is different, it can be very valuable to examine these relationships. You may want to discuss the discrepancy, or determine appropriate boundaries with someone that hurts you unapologetically.
There are also situations when you should absolutely not apologize! Most of us have been on the receiving end of a Canadian-based apology joke after apologizing for something we didn’t need to. For many of us, there could be some truth to this stereotype. Nobody should apologize for a number of things, including taking up space, experiencing emotions, changing your mind, enforcing boundaries, and asking for help. Recognizing these situations and exercising the power to not apologize can be incredibly self-empowering. It also makes our apologies more genuine when they are needed, since they are not cheapened by inappropriate over-use.
As you enter a potentially stressful season and spend increased time around others, keep in mind the power of the apology. Reflect on instances when you should apologize to others, and give sincere apologies when necessary. Notice if you feel an unhealthy imbalance of apologies in any of your relationships, and whether tough conversations or boundaries should be established. Finally, keep in mind what you shouldn’t be apologizing for. Never apologize for existing in this world – you deserve your place in it, and that’s nothing to be sorry about!