Handling the loss of a relationship can be tough, yet the discourse of relationship grief often focuses exclusively on the breakup of intimate partnerships. The truth is, sometimes a friendship breaking down can be just as hard to cope with. Some research shows – maybe even harder.
Friendships are incredibly important! Social and emotional needs are often better met through friends than romantic partners – think of someone in your life who has meaningful friendships, and is content with life despite being single. Intimate partnerships are, of course, incredibly fulfilling to many people. Yet the importance of platonic friends cannot be overstated. Studies show that friendships protect against mental illness, prolong life, and even reduce the prevalence of chronic disease. Individuals have lower stress and blood pressure when with a friend, and are able to overcome greater challenges. Even the bonds between acquaintances, coworkers, and familiar strangers (for example, someone you see regularly at your bus stop but have never spoken to) can boost your mental health. This is why a friendship breakdown can be so difficult to cope with – it can mean the loss of so much, in a variety of different avenues.
So why does it feel strange to struggle with the loss of a friendship? As a society, we place a lot of value on finding “Mr. or Mrs. Right,” and everyone can relate to a difficult breakup. Since so much weight has been placed on this partnership, there is a universally experienced difficulty when it breaks down. Friendships, on the other hand, are not discussed in the same way. While importance is placed on having friends, this relationship is not as celebrated. A friendship can also look very different from person to person; different personalities, frequency of connection, and the emotional needs being fulfilled by the relationship all contribute to friendship experiences being far less universal.
Having someone tell you they no longer want to be your friend can be a huge blow. As with a romantic rejection, it may feel like a judgement of personal inadequacy. Whether due to a dramatic betrayal, or just growing apart over time, you may find yourself struggling with this loss more than you might have expected. Give yourself some space to feel this grief – it’s okay that you feel this way! A loss is a loss, and it makes sense that losing someone important to you is hard to deal with. Allow yourself to grieve, and recognize what you’re going through as a challenge if that’s how you experience it.
On the other hand, perhaps you are the one that feels the need to end a friendship. We sometimes allow people in our lives to treat us unfairly, and we may not recognize red flags as quickly from a friend as we would from a romantic partner. Defining and enforcing boundaries are important for everyone in our lives, whether they be intimate partners or casual acquaintances. The same expectation mismatch across different relationships may make bad behaviour more difficult to recognize or stand up to. Yet even when you are the one to end a friendship, you may still grieve from the loss of that connection just the same.
Friendship breakups can, however, be avoided. While dramatic breakups certainly happen, friendships more often fizzle out slowly. If you find yourself beginning to grieve a change in your friendship dynamic, you can work to change its course. Remember that relationships require effort to maintain! One way to prevent relationship breakdowns is to reflect on the importance of your friendships and allocate your time and energy to people in your life accordingly. Too often we don’t appreciate the people around us until they are gone, and we needlessly suffer the loss of the relationship we once had.
Even when relationships end, keep in mind that an ending does not automatically mean failure. We may have a romantic notion of “best friends forever,” but reality shows that this is more often the exception than the rule. The people in our lives more often come and go in their season, providing connection and support when they are needed. Cherish the loved ones you have around you, and fight for them when the time is right – but when the situation is no longer right to keep that person in your life, learn to let them go.