When you think of the important attributes needed for starting and maintaining relationships, curiosity might not be the first thing that comes to mind. Yet the more you consider curiosity, the more you might recognize how important it is in a relationship. You may also realize how you can use the power of curiosity in your own life.
At the onset of a relationship, the role of curiosity is more clear. The beginning stages of dating are often called the “getting to know you phase,” where individuals ask each other questions about their background, interests, likes and dislikes, etc. Being curious about another person unveils similarities, and compatibility between your personalities. You may discover common ground that leads to a deepening of connection between that person. Asking questions and showing genuine interest in someone’s life shows that you care about them, validating the other person’s value and leading to a more intimate understanding. This is true whether you’re meeting someone through online dating or in person; it can even extend to strengthening connections between friends or coworkers.
Genuine interest is the key – when it comes to curiosity, authenticity is important. This is something that can take practice, and exploring the dating world can be a perfect place to do it. Active listening plays a huge role in dating curiously. It entails asking open ended questions and allowing the other person the time and space to answer fully. Active listeners really focus on what the other person is saying, and ask follow-up questions based on what was just said. A common mistake in active listening is to think about what you’re going to say while the other person is talking. This can lead to a great back-and-forth in some situations, but if you want to impress your date with your listening skills, try and avoid it.
Curiosity can also help make dating fun! Getting to know someone doesn’t mean just memorizing the names of their siblings and having them explain their job. It can mean chatting about funny hypotheticals, asking their take on an interesting article you just read, or having them explain why they’re passionate about their hobby. Being curious means being open to allowing unexpected turns of conversation, maybe discussing something you’ve never considered before. Even a bad date can lead to self-discovery and considering new ideas if you allow the space to explore another person’s perspective and how they got there.
The role and power of curiosity in a relationship doesn’t end with the honeymoon phase. Once you are in a partnership, maintaining curiosity in the other person is an amazing way to enrich your connection with each other. Humans are incredibly complex, and we are growing and changing all the time. Consider the nuance and introspection required to understand your own thoughts and emotions – and you have complete access to your own mind! Getting to know and understand another person is an impossible task to finish, but that’s the joy in it. People always have the power to surprise you, and staying curious about your partner means you will never be bored.
When conflicts inevitably arise, curiosity is an incredibly powerful tool to minimize and repair the damage made to your relationship. In many cases, couples argue because they each see their point of view as the right one. No matter the issue, conflict often boils down to a matter of perspective – and thinking that your perspective is objectively correct. While your automatic reaction may be to defend or convince, this is not as effective to resolving conflict as employing curiosity. When you take the time to step back and make a real effort to understand the other person’s point of view, they feel seen and their views respected. This doesn’t mean you have to roll over and take their side, but it does mean that you are taking the time and energy to be vulnerable and humble in order to understand them. Couples that maintain curiosity in each other through conflict are able to overcome differences and mend the harm of conflicts quicker. This results in a bond between them that is stronger than ever. So next time you encounter conflict with your significant other, step away from assumption and towards curiosity.
Whether you’re dipping your toes in the dating scene or have a multi-decade relationship, curiosity can play a pivotal role to increasing understanding, connection, and resolution. Curiosity can show up in many ways, and allows relationships to grow and strengthen. So get curious about how this tool can help you!