Grief always follows loss – except when it doesn’t.
Anticipatory grief is a period of mourning before a loss has happened. This can be experienced by individuals in a variety of different situations where a loss is impending. It may come about due to a life-altering diagnosis for yourself or another person, upon reflecting on the life of a pet, or even the anticipation of a move, separation, or job ending. Anticipatory grief can be especially salient for younger people; as with grief after a loss, having fewer past experiences to draw on make new challenges more difficult to face.
The majority of symptoms in this phenomenon are the same as conventional grief. Common experiences include salient and even overwhelming negative emotions, difficulty eating or sleeping, mental preoccupation or rumination, and social withdrawal. Feeling grief, regardless of whether it comes before or after a loss, is a completely natural response.
Anticipatory grief also has some additional elements that may make it even more challenging than that experienced after the loss. One study found that as many as 2 in 5 people were more stressed before the death of their spouse than after. There are several reasons why anticipatory grief may be more challenging to cope with; for one, individuals may feel a lack of control over their situation. Without a set date of the expected loss, as encountered with an unclear prognosis, the uncertainty may be a strong contributor to this feeling. Hopelessness may also precede a loss, as one can see it approaching and not have the power to stop it.
Guilt or frustration can also accompany anticipatory grief. One might think to themselves, “I haven’t even lost anything yet, why do I feel this way?!” Guilt can accompany the wish that a loved one keeps living, even though they are in pain. It can be excruciating to be caught in the “limbo” before a loss, mentally rehearsing and anxiously dreading it.
There are also fewer social supports for those struggling with anticipatory grief, because grief is typically only assumed after a loss. Before it happens, others may not realize someone is struggling. This is why having honest check-ins with yourself and others can make a huge difference. If you realize you need support, never be afraid to ask for it! This can be as simple as mentioning your feelings to a friend or booking in to see a therapist. Thoughtful steps towards coping, big or small, can make all the difference in how you feel.
If you find yourself experiencing anticipatory grief, take comfort in the fact that it is a completely natural response. Give yourself the time and grace to experience the emotions and processes that you may experience, and keep in mind that you may react to an impending loss differently than you expected. Never be afraid to seek help because your situation isn’t “bad enough,” – seeking help never requires justification.
Experiencing anticipatory grief can be very painful for those experiencing it, and there is not always a silver lining. Various studies, however, have identified one positive outcome to anticipatory grief: a chance to prepare. If a loss is expected, it gives individuals the chance to prepare themselves logistically and emotionally. It may be an opportunity to feel a “trial run” of feelings of loss, softening the blow when it occurs. Practical arrangements can be made, such as packing or job hunting before a move. It can also be a chance for closure, by completing a bucket list and saying what needs to be said to loved ones. Anticipatory grief can motivate individuals to express their love, gratitude, and goodbyes.
Be aware of anticipatory grief, and be patient and gentle with yourself as you mourn in the time and manner that you need to. Make taking good care of yourself a priority. While the pain of grief will likely never go away, know that it will be easier to cope with in time.