This is what you have been waiting for: the second part of expectations and needs in relationships.
Listen to learn specific strategies that you can use today.
Transcript
SPEAKERS
Nicki Kirlin, Jenna Fortinski
Jenna Fortinski 00:00
This is what you’ve been waiting for part two of expectations in a relationship.
Nicki Kirlin
I like it. That’s a good way to kick it off. so where did we leave off from last episode? we were talking about the difference between needs and expectations. We gave some examples of those. So go back and listen to it if you haven’t yet already. And we were also talking about how we go about setting needs and expectations, what influences that how change impacts that process. And so we kind of left it off there. And then we left off with saying that we would talk a little bit more about maybe some do’s and don’ts in relationships when it comes to setting those expectations and needs. So just before we started recording, we did a bit of a brainstorm session, and talked about a few do’s and don’ts that we that we’d like to share with you all. So let’s kick it off with the first one. So the first do that we have in setting expectations and needs in a relationship is using positive reinforcement. Yes. So what does that mean?
Jenna Fortinski 01:39
So that’s a perfect place to start, because that’s exactly where we left off last time was letting your partner know that this feels good. So we talked specifically about people that have been in a long term relationship, and how do we start that conversation about what our needs and expectations are? So start small, if something is feeling right, feeling good? Feeling like this is something you want more of let your partner know. I really like it. When you clean the kitchen for me. I really like it. When you put the kids to bed, you’re able to read them a story, I’m allowed to take five minutes to myself. I really like it when you send me a text message in the morning to say good morning, and I love you. Okay, that starts my day off, right? So positive reinforcement is communicating to our partners that this is something that we do appreciate. And something that we want to continue. The hope with the positive reinforcement is that if we’re letting our partner know that this is something that we want that it’s going to continue as we go forward in the relationship
Nicki Kirlin 02:49
So what if it doesn’t? What if I’ve been giving the positive reinforcement, but I’m not seeing sort of that other the other side of it of them picking up on the fact that I’m telling them that I like it? And it’s not being noticed? Maybe?
Jenna Fortinski 03:04
Say it, okay, say it to your partner. You know what, I really liked it when you sent me those text messages in the morning, say you love me, and that you were thinking of me? Can you keep doing that for me? I really like it. Okay, I like it when you clean the kitchen, not just gives me the sense that you enjoyed our meal and that it’s something that you’re contributing to, you know, I cook the meal you’re cleaning up, that’s helpful to me, and I like it. Can you keep doing that for me?
Nicki Kirlin 03:32
And I think that’s, you’re touching on a really key point that we also talked about in our last episode, which is a communication piece.
Jenna Fortinski 03:45
Yes. This is so huge in any of the do’s that we’re going to be talking about in this episode.
So say it. Okay, Say it, say it say it said, I will say that 100 times over. Because I think we we shy away from what’s going to happen if I do say it. And so just say it, if you know that it’s something that your partner has done in the past and something that you’ve given positive reinforcement on, and maybe they’ve kind of hit a wall or maybe they’re not doing well and they’re not able to continue with it. It’s okay for you to say it.. It’s okay for you to say, this is what works for me, or this fulfills my need.
Nicki Kirlin 04:24
And we want to likely acknowledge that it’s difficult to do that
Jenna Fortinski 04:29
totally. As you’re putting yourself out there a little bit. By saying those things to your partner. There’s a level of vulnerability that I think that comes with that right. So there’s maybe some nervousness around doing that sometimes. So it’s and I think that’s totally understandable.
Nicki Kirlin 04:48
Yeah. Okay, definitely. So do number two. Is learn to cherish your relationship.
Jenna Fortinski 04:55
Yes.
Nicki Kirlin 04:56
Tell me about that one.
Jenna Fortinski 04:58
This is so and Important. And again, I know we’re kind of like a broken record with our generation, what’s happening right now with the media, social media, the comparison piece, really focusing in on what’s happening in your own relationship, and focusing in on what your partner is capable of. And really celebrating what your partner contributes in that relationship. Cherish that. Okay. And maybe it’s something that has happened for many years, and maybe you haven’t paid attention to it. But changing your own focus and saying that, wow, I really like that my partner does this. And it’s something that I haven’t noticed before. Okay, cherish what’s happening under your own roof, not what’s happening under others.
Nicki Kirlin 05:56
And what I’m hearing in that, too, is that, and this is similar to our conversation that we had about happiness, is this all takes work does take some time for you to be intentional on reflecting on things on your relationship on yourself. So it does take work, yes, to do these pieces that were that we’re giving to our listeners, right?
Jenna Fortinski 06:15
Yes, and definitely for, especially for people that have been in long term relationships. Because it’s easy to maybe fall into a rut or fall into monotony and fall into, you know, it’s always the same old, so take some time for yourself and take some time to reflect on Oh, it makes my life a little bit easier. When he does that. I’m going to celebrate that. So really investing the time in yourself so that you can really reflect on what pleases you and what meets your needs. your needs. Okay, for yourself.
Nicki Kirlin 06:54
Got it. Okay, perfect. The other do that we have do number three, yeah. Make time to talk outside of a disagreement.
Jenna Fortinski 07:01
Oh, my goodness, this is huge. This is so huge. And I feel like a broken record. When I talk about this in private practice. This is so so, so critical. It’s so easy to fall into that trap of I’m going to let my partner know my needs when we’re in the middle of a heated discussion. And then I’m going to be upset when my partner doesn’t follow through on my needs. Okay, because I let them know. But it was in the heated discussion. The best way to communicate what it is that you want or need in a relationship is outside of those heated discussions, heated discussions happen in every relationship. That’s normal, they’re supposed to happen. We’re supposed to disagree, we’re supposed to work through it, we’re supposed to find a resolution. However, when we’re talking about what we want our needs, and how we want our needs to be met, that needs to happen outside of those discussions, time when you can be seen and heard. And you can discuss how it impacts you. When we’re in a heated discussion, that’s not possible. Our brain is not in a place to receive the information in a way that it can be used in the future. So I like to frame it for my clients that when you’re in a heated discussion, it’s almost the same as talking to a brick wall. Everything is shut down. We’re not receiving information. So if you have something that you need to communicate, save it for a time outside of that. .
Nicki Kirlin 08:54
And how do we and maybe this goes back to our conversation that we had on the last episode about balance, but how do we go sort of making that a priority? How do we make that important in our relationship? So I have time for that.
Jenna Fortinski 09:05
I think that like, it doesn’t have to be something that’s huge, right? So it’s not something that needs to be I need to plan my day around being able to share this with my partner. So I think the more that we kind of keep it simple in our own minds, and we start to say, okay, maybe today I’m going to let my partner know that I really appreciate it when they do XYZ write one thing, and just insert that into maybe over dinner, or when you guys are having lunch together or maybe laying in bed at the end of the night together and turn to your partner and say, I really like it when you do this. So I think minimizing what the conversation actually is in your mind helps to make the conversation happen easier. And it lessens the maybe anxiety that’s happening around the conversation.
Nicki Kirlin 10:12
Very good. points. I think you touched on a few really good. major points there. Yeah. Okay, so then we also have to talk about the other piece of this, which is the don’ts. Yes, things that we can avoid. Yes, they’re they’re likely to happen. But if we can, if we can be conscious of anything, we’d like to avoid them. Yes. So number one is, don’t make assumptions.
Jenna Fortinski 10:23
Yes, yes. So this goes back to the piece that we talked about, kind of where we left off the last episode. Part one is that love is supposed to change and grow. And our relationships are supposed to change and grow. So don’t assume that’s what has been working for the last five years is going to work today. Make space to talk about how you’ve changed and grown yourself, and have that conversation about what your needs are today, not what your needs were, you know, five years ago. Your needs and expectations do change and grow. And so please don’t assume that because you’ve been in a relationship with somebody for 20 years that you know them through and through. Please have the discussion about Oh, what, what happened for you today? That was good. What did you like? What did you enjoy? Be curious, be invested in the relationship, find time to discover what’s important for that person now?
Nicki Kirlin 11:36
I think that’s really helpful. you touched on a part there that we wanted to sort of talk about too, which was around, you know, expecting that things are always going to be the same. And you can’t have that expectation in a relationship, right? Because as we mentioned in the first part, and as you’re mentioning, now, we do change, we do grow. And that’s a normal sort of course of life. So we have to know that that’s going to happen. Yeah. So what do you do in a situation of maybe your needs and expectations are being met in a relationship?
Jenna Fortinski 12:10
Yes. Now, what do you do? So the way we briefly explained it, last episode, is a good place to start. So starting very slow. Starting with, you know, something that’s happened, maybe it’s happened for the first time in X amount of years, or maybe it’s happening for the first time ever in your relationship. And you discover upon your own self reflection, that this is something that, wow, I like that. That feels good. I like it. When my partner does this, I like it, that it makes my day easier that my partner does this. So first, you need to really do some internal reflection, and really discover and reflect on what’s happening in your day. And what is your partner doing in that day that contributes to what feels good or right. Okay, once you’ve discovered maybe one or two things that your partner has done within, you know, the last few days that Oh, like, that feels good, that feels right. To start with the positive reinforcement. Okay. You know what, having that conversation over dinner saying to partner, you know what, I really liked it when you did this last couple days. That was awesome. That felt good to me. That’s something that I really appreciate. And thank you for doing that. Start with positive reinforcement. And it’s now up to you, as a partner in that relationship, to see that that’s happening. To acknowledge it. Much the same as we talked about with happiness, that we have to look for it, and we have to bank it. Same thing here. I need you to look for it. I need you to bank it. I need you to hold on to it. Okay. And start to build a bank of this is what feels good to me. This is what makes sense for me. This is what I need. This is what I maybe expect.
Nicki Kirlin 14:08
Okay. So it does takes work. It takes practice.
Jenna Fortinski 14:11
Yes.
Nicki Kirlin 14:13
Because we’re not going to get it right. The first time that we try no less likely no have to try again. Yes.
And so what about the other thing that’s been sort of floating around in my mind, and we’re, we’re coming to a conclusion of our do’s and don’ts. So something else that’s been sort of bubbling to the surface is this whole extra element of challenge around being at home potentially with a partner during COVID? What advice can you give to our listeners or pieces of wisdom that we can maybe take away that we want to think about with the extra challenges and difficulties that we have with maybe being at home full time with a partner now that we haven’t had before?
Jenna Fortinski 14:53
So I think that there’s obviously many challenges that come with Being at home all the time. And you know, and same with challenges, maybe you have a partner that works outside of the home all the time, because they’re essential worker, right. And maybe you’re stuck at home all the time. So I think there’s lots of different situations that could be addressed. A way to keep it simple. And a way to start to target some of those situations is, again, to start small, right to start small with the feedback that you want to give. And to start with your own reflection, and to really focus in on what it is that you want, and what it is that you need. I think because maybe people are spending a lot of time at home, we do have a lot of extra time around social media, maybe watching TV, seeing what’s happening in other people’s homes via zoom, that kind of thing, right? that’s going to impact what we think we want, or what we think we should have, or what we think should be happening in our relationship. So please take the time to reflect on what’s important to you. What do you need in your own relationship from your partner, that, you know, they can follow through on that you can communicate to them. So something that I’ve been seeing a lot in my private practice is that people are having expectations or wants from their partners that they have never experienced before in long term relationships. So the issue with that is that typically we’re looking outside of our own relationship, seeing what’s happening around us and saying, Oh, I want that, or that looks good to me. And instead of saying, Oh, I know, this is what my partner is capable of, this is something that I can start to cherish. And this is something that I can start to appreciate in my own relationship.
Nicki Kirlin 16:58
It’s almost like that whole idea of setting yourself and setting your partner up for success. Yes. Right now taking note of is this possible within my own relationship? Yes. And then that’s what I’m going to take note of because I know that there’s a potential for success, yes. To focusing on potential places for failure. Yeah. Like we’re switching our thinking, reframing our thinking and focusing on what are the opportunities here for success, both for myself and for my partner and for our relationship together?
Jenna Fortinski 17:27
Yeah. So the grass is greener, where you water it? So really focusing in on what do I know my partner is capable of? And how can I ask them to contribute to the relationship in ways that are going to fulfill my needs? And for me to also challenge myself? And how can I adjust my needs and wants to fit with what my partner is capable of?
Nicki Kirlin
So not setting people up for failure?
Jenna Fortinski
Yes, setting people up for success is the goal. So again, really looking at your own relationship, looking at what your partner is capable of? and combining those things, and setting your partner up for success? and looking for it creating that beautiful little bank?
Nicki Kirlin 18:15
Awesome, yes. Okay. Let’s sort of end. And on that note. And before we let you go, let’s just do a quick recap. So we talked about in our very first part of this sort of two part series episode, we talked about the definitions and the examples of needs and expectations. And we ventured into this conversation about how we set expectations, what influences those expectations and those needs. And then in our sort of this episode, we’ve talked a lot about the do’s and don’ts. to remind you are use positive reinforcement, learn to cherish your own relationship and make time to talk outside of a disagreement are don’ts. Our biggest don’t is don’t make assumptions. Don’t make assumptions about your change, that people aren’t going to change that things are always going to stay the same. do expect that there will be changes as you grow and evolve in your relationship. that’s pretty much it of what we talked about in a very short, brief recap. Is there anything else Jenna that you want to add?
Jenna Fortinski 19:24
No, I think from I think that that’s a very good summary. And I think from my perspective, just highlighting looking at what your partner is capable of, and setting your own expectations and needs to set your partner can be successful and has the opportunity to be successful for you to notice the success and to bank it. Awesome.
Nicki Kirlin 19:48
Thank you. And thank you for great two episodes. Jenna, that was fantastic. So we do want to encourage you to keep submitting your ideas for topic for next topics that we can talk about. And our next episode we will be discussing anxiety.
Jenna Fortinski 20:04
Yes, anxiety in a pandemic. So, thank you again for everybody listening and following along on our journey. We would like to close this episode with another quote from Dr. John Gottman somebody that specializes in relationships. He says it’s the small things done often that make a difference.