What is happiness? How can I be happier in life?
Learn about Jenna’s definition of happiness, as well as specific strategies you can use in your everyday life to build your “bank” of happiness.
Transcript
SPEAKERS
Nicki Kirlin, Jenna Fortinski
Jenna Fortinski 00:31
Welcome. Here we are. It’s our very first episode of simply Jenna. And we’re so excited to begin. How are you doing Nicki?
Nicki Kirlin 00:40
I’m doing pretty good. I’m feeling kind of nervous and excited for this venture. And just thinking about how we’re in a new year. And for me, this New Year means getting back to school, which I haven’t done in about six years. So I have all kinds of mixed emotions. I don’t know, how about you? How are you doing?
Jenna Fortinski 01:01
I’m doing good six years? My goodness. I know, right? I don’t know what I was doing six years ago. Exactly.
Nicki Kirlin 01:08
Precisely,
Jenna Fortinski 01:09
gosh, I’m doing good. I really can’t believe that we are actually in a new year and that we’ve been in this for a year now with this pandemic stuff. It’s kind of that feeling of flip flopping back and forth of it’s been the longest year ever. But yet it seems to go by so fast in some ways.
Nicki Kirlin 01:33
Yeah, I agree. It’s crazy to think about, in thinking about this past year, how much our normal or our routine has changed, and there is there is no more normal anymore, or it’s a new normal, I guess. And so I think for today, that’s why we were hoping to focus on this concept of happiness and talking about happiness, in a general sense, but also focusing in on how do we create and define happiness in a pandemic?
Jenna Fortinski 02:02
Yeah, totally. I think that, within my private practice, so many people we’ve seen over the past year struggling with, you know, what is happiness? How do I create happiness in my life? And how do I grasp on to having a little bit of consistency of happiness? So it’s definitely prevailing in the city that we’re in. And I think everybody’s really struggling with how do they get this into their lives? So definitely a good topic to start with, I think,
Nicki Kirlin 02:30
I think so too. And so I think the best place to start when we’re having this conversation about happiness is maybe a definition of it or defining it for our listeners. So what does happiness actually mean?
Jenna Fortinski 02:43
Well, I think that’s a big question. Happiness, to me is about balance, and also what you focus on in your life. Now, I know when we say balance, that everybody is like, Oh, my God, balance who has balance. And I know that it’s tall ask, especially with what’s happening right now. But we really need to look at what our expectations are of our feelings and what our expectations are for balance. And I think somewhere in that muddy, middle lies, happiness. That’s a really good point.
Nicki Kirlin 03:18
And so how do we, and could you maybe talk about then, what, what could those expectations look like?
Jenna Fortinski 03:25
Well, for me, what I’ve noticed, for myself, and also for the clients that I work with, and people that are in my circle, that when we think of happiness, we always have that knee jerk reaction to think that okay, happiness is that day at Disneyland or a day, I got my dream job, or, you know, the day I finally finished school, and I could start my life and never have to think of school again. And well, yes, those are, you know, really happy moments and fantastic moments in any case. But that’s not the happiness that we’re here to talk about today. Happiness is about those little moments where everything feels just right or good, or okay. So examples I usually give my clients are, you know, those mornings where you wake up when your alarm goes off, and you don’t press snooze? And you’re like, Yes, I got out of bed. Or maybe your makeup turned out just perfect. And you can look in the mirror and say like, yes, it’s finally that eyeliner is straight. Or maybe you had an amazing breakfast, and you got all the food groups in and you feel great about it. So those little moments are the happiness that we’re talking about today, using those little moments and acknowledging it and kind of creating this little bit of a bank of these moments throughout your day.
Nicki Kirlin 04:45
And so what I’m hearing you say is a lot around the idea of, maybe happiness isn’t something that just comes to us or something that just happens maybe it’s something that we actually have to work at.
Jenna Fortinski 04:55
Oh, yes, definitely. And thank you for pointing that out. Because That is a huge misconception is that happiness does happen naturally. So my, my famous saying to everyone about you know, happiness, and it happening naturally is if someone tells you, you know, 10 great things about you and says one negative thing, what are you likely to remember in six months?
Nicki Kirlin 05:20
Oh,definitely the bad thing at times over and over again. And I would probably even remember exactly what the person said and how they said it to me too. Exactly. Precisely, right?
Jenna Fortinski 05:31
Yes. And you’re not alone in thinking that because I think even people listening to this today, probably shaking their heads and saying, Yeah, like, that’s me. So human beings naturally think negatively, it’s easy for us to think of the negative, and it’s easy for us to keep track of what’s happening in our life that’s negative. So therefore, happiness does take work, which means that you do have to purposefully think of and acknowledge What’s good, okay, or neutral,
Nicki Kirlin 05:59
And it makes me think of that whole thing that you heard growing up about, you know, maybe if you force yourself to smile, then you’ll automatically feel better. So you’re actually spending time on being focused in on actually being happy. taking note of that, and doing it in a purposeful way. Like you said,
Jenna Fortinski 06:19
yeah. And it’s, it’s interesting, because we, you know, with social media and media, and everything that’s around us, the expectation is, is that happiness just happens, we don’t really see them as behind the scenes work that happens, right? To make people happy. And that’s where there’s a huge disconnect nowadays, especially with the pandemic is, people are thinking, Well, you know, look at all these social media pictures, or look at what’s happening on the TV, these people are happy, how come? I’m not? or How can I find any sort of happiness with everything that’s going on.
Nicki Kirlin 06:51
And specifically to with the pandemic, there was a huge push. I don’t know if you remember this or not, but there’s a huge push with people who were posting on social media about all of the things that they were able to able to accomplish, because the pendant pandemic was happening, right. So it was like, Oh, I’m gonna become an excellent Baker, and I’m gonna reorganize my whole house. And whereas most of us were just trying to struggle through, I’ve got my kid at home, I’m trying to get my work done. I just need to make it through the day. Right. So that influenced so much of what we were experiencing at the time, right?
Jenna Fortinski 07:22
Yeah. And it put a lot of pressure on everybody. And if you did those things, great, good for you. That’s amazing way to harness your energy and your, and the support that’s around you to accomplish those things. And, you know, highlighting that those things are likely there for that to happen is to have the support and have the energy, and that is already existing for you. If it’s not, it’s going to be a struggle, and that’s okay. Right, right. And I think that’s where, again, we go back to balance, and you know, what we’re putting our focus on, in terms of, you know, really making sure that our expectations aren’t out of control, and that we are having expectations that are just for ourselves, not what other people can do,
Nicki Kirlin 08:07
right. And so, it makes me think about to just thinking in this last year, I spend a lot more time thinking about the negatives of what happened during the pandemic, in terms of things that I missed out on, right. So time with family, or I think about that for my kids too, especially that they missed out on time with their, with their immediate and extended family. So how do we, you know, in, in light of thinking of that, how do we switch our focus? How do we reframe that thinking? And, and like, what does that look like in a practical sense.
Jenna Fortinski 08:40
So that goes back to the examples that I gave you, which are very small things that happen every day that we can really harness a lot of power out of those things, and we can really use them to our advantage. So like, I use the example of getting out of bed on time with the alarm or your makeup turning out great, or having a great breakfast, going out for a walk. The power is in acknowledging it. So saying out loud to yourself, like, Wow, it felt good to get out of bed on time today, or I’m proud of myself that my makeup turned out good or It feels good or I look good that my makeup turned out well. Or, you know, I’m my body is satisfied with the food that I’ve put it put in it and I feel energized. And I’m happy with that. Being able to say those things to yourself is really what sets the tone for creating that sense of happiness. And it just sinks in a little bit deeper in your brain and it just feels like okay, like my brain is seeing that and I can feel it.
Nicki Kirlin 09:45
So there’s a lot of power in thought. Totally. That’s what I’m hearing totally. If I’m actually actively thinking about it. Yeah. Then that’s what’s going to make the difference is I’m paying attention to what thoughts are even happening in the first place. Yes, right. Yeah. It’s almost That first step of I need to actually acknowledge what is running through my brain. And in this moment, yeah, taking note of that, and then letting it really sink in.
Jenna Fortinski 10:07
Yeah. And you know, really realizing that you do have control over your thoughts. So you can say things to yourself or think things. I really like to encourage people to say things out loud. I know it sounds crazy. But it just really helps to interrupt a lot of thought processes that are happening. I feel like when we keep things inside, it can spiral really quick, right? So if we’re saying things out loud, then it interrupts those spirals, and it just keeps your brain really focused on what what’s happening in that moment for you. Right?
Nicki Kirlin 10:41
That makes a lot of sense. And it’s funny, because it’s, it almost seems obvious in a way, right? Like, that’s so obvious, probably to our listeners of like, well, right, obviously, I’m going to think in a positive way. But I think it’s, there is a lot of work and actually practicing that. And so I’m wondering then about kids, because I feel like kids are excellent practitioners of that of being able to truly live in the moment, taking note of the happy moments and talking about the fact that their happy moment, right. They will tell you when they’re happy.
Jenna Fortinski 11:15
Exactly.
Nicki Kirlin 11:16
Yeah. So I feel like we can learn a lot from them in that in the way that they practice that. Yeah,
Jenna Fortinski 11:22
totally. And so yeah, we this is an opportunity for us to learn from our kids. No longer are we, you know, like, yes, we can teach them but we need to really seize the opportunity to learn from them. And that’s one of those things that we can learn from them is to be in that moment. And to use, you know, the quote, unquote, word of the year, I think, is mindfulness. But to just really be in that moment, and to say out loud, what it is that you’re enjoying are what feels good, or what feels neutral, or just okay, and using that to create kind of lab bank to keep your day going, like what our kids do, right, is that they had a great morning, they’re probably going to talk about it all day long, right into the evening, right up until bedtime, when they’re trying to delay going to bed. Yes, exactly. That’s right. That’s absolutely right.
Nicki Kirlin 12:10
And so something that came up actually, in my school, just speaking in terms of, of the spirit of learning, something that came up with my school was around gratitude, and that there is a link between gratitude and happiness. And research has actually shown this. So meaning that a person who practices gratitude is more likely to actually be happy. So can you tell us a little bit about why that link happens? Why is there this link between gratitude and happiness?
Jenna Fortinski 12:36
Well, ironically enough, it goes back to where your focus is, right? So gratitude forces you. So when we practice gratitude, it forces you to focus on what it is that you already have, or around you that you appreciate. And it takes that focus away from the negative the things that we want the things that we think we need. And so when we practice, gratitude is an opportunity to really just take a look at what we already have, and say, Wow, like, I’m thankful that I have that. So turning those thought processes positive, and again, creating that little bag of momentum momentum for yourself, right.
Nicki Kirlin 13:14
And so okay, that’s, that sounds like it makes sense. But what so what does that for a person like me? What does it actually look like? Tell me what that looks like? How do I actually practice that gratitude piece,
Jenna Fortinski 13:27
the beautiful thing about gratitude in practicing gratitude is that it can be relatively easy. So it doesn’t require a huge commitment. So some of the ideas that I’ve given clients, and that I’ve heard clients share with me is, it can be easy as first thing when you wake up in the morning, you look around, and you choose something very small to be thankful for. Right? And I acknowledge it. And doing that every day. Other people have incorporated it into their family dinner times, and everybody goes around the table to say what they’re thankful for.
Nicki Kirlin 13:59
I mean, we don’t only do that at Thanksgiving.
Jenna Fortinski 14:04
If you can make it daily, that’s great. Another way to practice gratitude is to have a journal. I know lots of people do that as a journal and reflect on their grateful thoughts for the day or for the week. The key really, it doesn’t matter what you choose, the key is consistency. So just choosing something that you can commit to on a consistent basis.
Nicki Kirlin 14:29
So do we have to do it every day?
Jenna Fortinski 14:34
No, you don’t. You do need to choose something that’s consistent. So if you say it could be like, every, every other day, every day, every three days, you know, once a week, just something that you can choose, that gives you a little bit of momentum. And it keeps you accountable. And it’s something that you can be successful with. That’s the goal with a lot of the strategies that we’ll talk about actually in this podcast on ongoing basis is the key to any strategy really is in in the consistency of it.
Nicki Kirlin 15:07
And that I think, you know, in thinking about it, there’s a link there between the consistency and the sort of, it’s almost like the repetition of it, right? Like that’s, that’s what gets sort of solidified in your brain. And so that helps the two pieces work together then right, the gratitude piece, and that the happiness piece as well.
Jenna Fortinski 15:25
Yeah. And what I like about the, with any of the strategies, and this is important for everybody to remember is that it doesn’t matter what it is, right? So if you wake up every day, at the same time, and you say the same thing every day, for you know, two weeks for your gratitude practice, and you’re able to do that. I think that’s fantastic, right? And that’s a good place to start. And that at some point, you know, you have to work towards Okay, so how can I challenge myself and one small way just to change it up? Right? And just to force yourself to diversify your thought process, right? So maybe you would say that exact same thing that you’ve said in the morning, maybe you would say it at lunchtime, and just add another level to it? Or maybe you would change it to something different for another two weeks and saying the same thing every day for two weeks, right? So the key is to have a little bit of success, and to make it attainable. And then once you have a little bit of success, please challenge yourself a little bit.
Nicki Kirlin 16:29
Just when you’re getting good, right? Just throw yourself a little bit of a curveball to keep it interesting. Yeah. Otherwise, how boring would life be?
Jenna Fortinski 16:36
Yeah,
Nicki Kirlin 16:37
I think those are some really good, really good tips. So I want to go back and just sort of summarize some of the key things that we talked about today. So I feel like the first thing was understanding what is the actual definition of happiness and realizing that it’s in sort of those small moments and taking note of those being purposeful about it, making that bank within your brain, and so that they’re there for when you maybe encounter a negative moment that you can reach back in and pull out that good little positive memory. Right, exactly. So it’s good for a few reasons. So that was one of the things that we talked about. Another piece was around, having a sense of balance. We talked a little bit about that at the beginning. And we’re going to actually talk about that a little bit more in one of our upcoming episodes. So stay tuned for that. Another piece that we talked about was this link between gratitude and happiness. So having some sort of gratitude, gratefulness activity that you can practice on a consistent basis. Was there anything else that I missed about what we chatted about today that you want to summarize,
Jenna Fortinski 17:41
I think you did a really good job of capturing everything. One thing that I would like to add, before we go is the importance of everybody just being easy on themselves, give yourself a little bit of grace, this has been a very difficult here, this is a difficult time. And we really need to shift our focus on celebrating what we are able to do. And for everyone to celebrate their own little wins, no matter how small. And again, that just goes back to creating that beautiful little Bank of great x experiences and thoughts that we can pull on in the harder times. So please give yourself grace and be easy on yourself.
Nicki Kirlin 18:20
And that’s really good, thoughtful advice, I think, because it’s something that we all forget. And so again, seems a little maybe a little bit obvious, but it’s so true that we we do have to have that that gracefulness when it comes to looking inward at ourselves. Yeah.
Jenna Fortinski 18:37
Well, I think that’s a wrap for today, isn’t it?
Nicki Kirlin 18:40
Thank you so much, Jenna, for sharing your your wisdom with us and your tips and your pieces of advice. It’s really helpful. And I think it’s something that can actually be practiced. So hopefully everybody got that sense from today’s episode.
Jenna Fortinski 18:52
Yes, that’s certainly the intention. And my hope is, is that everyone can take a little nugget from today and put it into practice and hopefully see the positive effects of it. So thank you, everyone, for joining us today. We really appreciate having you here along this journey with us. Please stay tuned for our next episode coming out soon when we will discuss this unicorn of balance. We will close this episode with a quote from Brene Brown, someone that we both admire. I don’t have to chase extraordinary moments to find happiness. It’s right in front of me if I’m paying attention and practicing gratitude.